7/24/2019

Heartache can go deep!

Photo by Kevin Delvecchio on Unsplash


Heartache can go deep!

I am an open book for the world to see, on purpose. My mistakes and my triumphs are open to all to enjoy and learn from, or to celebrate with me, as I enjoy seeing in so many of you daily.

Colin Wood
Jul 23 · 5 min read
I've lived at least 5 lives or more in my 50 years. I've escaped near death numerous times...from guns held to my head twice to being robbed twice, to chasing down thieves in NYC streets, to taking risky chances such as bungee jumping, taking off for faraway places, and we'll, always chasing a star I could never get close too, all the while not realizing until these past two years, that what J was always chasing was me. Who was I? What truly made me happy? A little too late now, for some areas of my life, I've found out that it is my children, and the connection I have with one, and what I used to have with my two older. That connection...that kind of love...that kind of compassion is what I was searching for all my life.
Sometimes, some people just want to hurt you too, though.
I made verbal mistakes with my older kids, but never anything so bad that my first wife had 100% reason to fight me for 14 years to get my kids away from me. Although, she knew I loved them dearly. All because in her eyes, no matter my past achievements, or future achievements to come...I was bum with no degree, who couldn't hold down a steady job for more than a few months or a year. Two years at Riverside Dinner Theater in VA. at 30 years old was the longest job I'd ever held at that point in my life.
Fast forward to 2019, and she won. My kids don't talk to me. Meanwhile, I am raising my youngest on my own, and despite all my failures (tons of them...I lost count years ago), despite an inability to work or perform now, I am still being a good Dad. A better dad than ever before, as I dedicate all I have and know to teach and show my youngest all that I lost out on or didn't do with my older kids.
My reward? He is inhuman. Sometimes, I think he stepped off a ship from billions of years ago where they've evolved into incredible beings. Nehemiah is 100% everything a human should be...so far. Amid major turmoil is his mom's life, all that I deal with, this kid excels in every facet of life and most of all truly loving all people and seeing, finding and bringing out the best in everyone he comes in contact with somehow, some way. He has been given the gift of superb leadership and guidance skills to the point, that a 49-year-old man is still learning about life, when I do or say or act wrong, and when I am wrong about info or the way I'm looking at something, from an 11-year-old wiser and more intelligent than I.
Okay, here is the very hard part to admit!!!
I had an affair in my first marriage. It was brief. With the leading lady of many shows, we did together in VA.
She got pregnant apparently about a week before my wife did with our second child. Ethan. Cassidy was 1.5. I was a downright scoundrel because I wasn't man enough to face my own insecurities in my marriage and in myself.
Instead, of turning to my wife and making it work, and changing myself, I was a loud, yelling, and controlling pig.
Of course, Jacob came into the world 3/23/2001. A day before my daughter's Birthday.
Neither the young married woman or I knew if it was mine or not. But, because I shot down her offer to take off to Hollywood for us to take the movie scene by storm together (which, with our combined talents and wit, we possibly could have), she decided to just say the baby is her husbands, which it very well could have been according to her, and we never opened our mouths about our 2 month affair. Some cast members knew something went down, but no one had proof or ever saw a thing between us but on stage.

So, fast forward to 2010, and we find each other on Facebook. I'm wondering what Jacob looks like. Is he mine? I'm married again. Somewhat happily this time. At least, I was in love for sure, but once again the marriage was hanging by threads with a combined household of 5 kids, 2 adults, and 2 cats.
I started to wrongfully chat with this girl again, but then that talk suddenly turned to me leaving my second wife for this same woman again. After some stupid immature dreamy talk, especially since I knew she came from a wealthy family, and she spoke of buying a Vic house in Deposit, NY and moving from Co. Springs with Jacob and her two other kids, I had 3 too at this point, and that all happened in the span of like 2 conversations...yikes.
For once, I did the right thing, and backed out quickly, went to my family at the baseball field and gave my wife, whom I loved more than our troubles, a huge hug and kiss. That was the end of that.
Fast forward 4 years to 2014. This woman is remarried back near her family in VA. Her new husband is ex-Marine and works in computers for the government.
To try and finish quickly. He got mad because now divorced twice, I wanted again to see figure out if Jacob was mine. Pics on their FB were limited. Well, due to his jealousy, which I don't blame him I guess, he got nasty and for the first time ever so did Jacob's mother. They said I would need to wait until Jacob was 18 for him to make his own decisions if he wanted to do DNA and meet me if we were a match.
They blocked me on FB.
This after in 2010 she wanted to do a DNA thingy, but we never got around to it.
2019 - Jacob is now 18, so is my son Ethan, born a week after Jacob was at the same hospital in VA.
I see they unblocked me on FB for the first time in 5 years. I see more pics of Jacob now.
He is the spitting image of my older brother Jonathan and looks a little like me and his brother Ethan. He is definitely mine, and I don't need a DNA test to figure it out at this point.
So, I wrote them very humble and nice to say he looked like Jon, and me and Ethan, and that I know he's mine now, and thanked them for unblocking me to see the pics of him now. I told them my DNA was on 23 & me if he wanted to send in his DNA to match up.
BOOM! Blocked again & no response!!!
WHY???
Just another heartbreak I have to pack away deep in my heart...🤔😣
He is standing on left.

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Colin B M Wood

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